Being a writer is a personal decision; we choose to share our stories in order to be seen but what about the privacy of the other people involved?

A couple of years ago I pitched a personal essay about my first Christmas in the UK with my partner and his family. It was a warm, light-hearted piece about finding a home away from home. The editor had some initial questions, the last one being if my partner and his family would be happy to be pictured and named. I knew my partner well enough to know that with his militancy around privacy there was no chance. He has no social media presence and is not interested in being online in that way; if I’m chronically online then he’s the complete opposite. I emailed the editor back explaining that while his family may be OK with being named and pictured he would not. She chose not to commission the piece based on this fact.

I was frustrated but not surprised. It makes sense that such a personal story demands details and photos. But did the lack of someone else’s participation necessitate the death of the piece before it had even begun? I didn’t think so.

Anne Lamott famously wrote “If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better” in her seminal work on writing, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life. While this rings true in some cases, perhaps when you are sharing stories from your perspective, where other people are concerned, consent is key. It’s important to get someone’s permission if you are sharing part of their story. One way to make this prospect more appealing to them is to give them an outline of what you plan to write and tell them they can read the final draft. This will help them feel actively involved in the process. It isn’t strictly necessary but it will keep you in their good graces and show thoughtfulness and respect for them and their story.

If I pitch an idea about my relationship I now know to mention right away that my partner is not interested in being named or pictured to avoid any misunderstandings. Most editors understand boundaries and are happy to obey them. Being upfront about what you will and won’t provide is a great way to build trust, as this shows editors what they can expect from you. It’s also a great way to avoid wasting your time or theirs if certain details are deal-breakers.

Sometimes, though, editors will want to push those boundaries. It’s up to you to know your comfort levels and that of the people you are writing about. If someone is happy to be named but not pictured and photos are a must for the editor, you will probably have to say goodbye to that publication. It might be tempting to try to convince your subjects to give in but from experience I know that this is a losing battle. Plus the paycheck will never be worth any potential damage to the relationship.

Dealing with the frustration of other people’s decisions is a skill best learned early on. If you are in the personal essays game you know what you signed up for. It can be hard to understand why someone has such an issue revealing certain details about their life; as writers most of us write to understand and be understood. Writing is an outlet for many of us to make connections, process experiences and understand ourselves better. We just have to accept that some people want to do that work privately.

BIO – Olga Alexandru is a Romanian-Canadian freelance journalist and writer currently based in the UK. She has been published in Inverse, Fodor’s, Insider, Reader’s Digest and Paste Magazine among others. You can read more of her work at olgawritesthings.com
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